Order OCD – realisation

Hi everyone. I haven’t updated my blog for a while and the reason being that I have been having a pretty sh*te time.
Where do I begin?
I have moved back in with my Mum after leaving my ex boyfriend. This happened one week before my 21st birthday and my head was all over the place. Now, anyone with OCD will know that change/stressful life events are a challenging and exhausting time. The only thing that I found challenging was not having my clothes and belongings in order!! It’s only until the bad things happen that you realise that you have been living in your own little bubble. It was here that I realised that I have ‘order’ OCD. When something has become so normal to you, it’s hard to point out that something is not right.

I was sure that my medication had been blocking out the heartache of a break-up. This was frustrating as I wasn’t angry when I should have been and I was very reasonable and understanding when I shouldn’t be giving a f*ck. Anyway, lesson learned – ‘trust no one but yourself and remember that a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.’

Since moving back home to Mum’s, my lists haven’t been as bad. I don’t rely on them as much! This put me into a serious case of denial. I was convinced that I don’t have OCD anymore as I’m feeling rather good.

My CBT guy is on annual leave and be has left me with homework to do. I need to write down all thoughts and physical sensations I experience when I’m feeling anxious. Two months ago, I would probably have filled out 10 sheets in a day – meaning at least 10 episodes of bad anxiety in the day. But now? 1 every few days.
My lists were really bad to the point that they took over my life when I had my own flat. Now I’m living somewhere where it’s not my responsibility to run the house.

So what does the future hold for me? When I find my own place, will the lists become worse? I don’t know. It’s hard to treat an open wound when it has already started to self heal.


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