At my last CBT session, CBT guy arranged the next date and asked if the date suited me. I joked and said , “just let me check my lists” (my iphone diary holds daily lists and reminders)
CBT guy smiled and said, “put your phone away, don’t check your lists and try remember if you have anything on that day”.
I said, “right ok, that day should be fine”. I felt rushed to say whether the date was ok or not.
Whenever I am rushed, my OCD won’t let me relax until it’s ‘certain’ and ‘sure’ of every detail.
I left and whilst driving home, my mind wouldn’t let it drop. I knew I should have checked my list. 10 minutes later and suddenly I remembered I forgot I was actually working on that day. It was only me in the car but I felt so embarrased and ashamed that I had forgotton that I was working.
Automatic thought was – ‘He’ll be angry with me for having to rearrange, I wish he would have just let me check my lists”
So it’s a catch 22.
I’m there to try stop using lists and get rid of my OCD but I still depend on my lists because I have become so used to using them. I truely believe they have now affected my memory because I rely on them to remember to do things because I have this fear that I will forget things. (or maybe my OCD makes me doubt my memory skills).